April 17

One year ago today, my life changed. I was involved in a serious car accident where I was run off the road (accidentally) and my Ford Explorer rolled, what I feel like was, three times. I remember thinking, "Please don't roll, please don't roll," as I drove into the ditch and then thinking of my family and praying, "Please don't let me die," as I rolled. Those were 10 of the longest seconds of my life. I finally stopped rolling and the car landed on its wheels. The first thing I saw was a lot of people running toward my car. I had apparently rolled long enough for several cars to have time to stop and the drivers to run to my aid. I was actually surprised that I was okay. I said aloud several times, "I'm okay, I'm okay." I instantly tried to get out of the car, but the driver's side door was smashed closed. As started to try to climb out of the passenger's side, several people who had stopped to help told me to stay still until I got checked out. I found out in the next few minutes that among those who had stopped were 3 EMTs, a nurse, and a doctor. What a blessing. They knew just what to say and do until the ambulance arrived. I was able to call my husband and tell him what had happened and ask him to come to the scene which was only a few miles from home. When help arrived it seemed like a hundred people: emts, police officers, firefighters. They all surrounded me, asked me about my condition and did what they had been trained to do. I wanted to have my husband take me to the hospital, but they encouraged me to go in the ambulance just in case there were injuries that they couldn't see. I agreed and they proceeded to tear the door off the driver's side of the car. I said, "Hey, don't wreck my car!" to which they all laughed and someone said, "She's okay mentally." Then they put a neck brace on me and strapped me down to a board. As they were doing this, my husband arrived and I will never forget the look on his face. The worry and love that I saw there are forever etched in my memory. I assured him that I was okay, but honestly I was assuring myself just as much. They loaded me into the ambulance and began monitoring me. I remember hearing this sound that sounded like a really fast heartbeat and thinking, because it was so fast, that it couldn't be that. But as I paid attention to my breathing, it affected that sound and I realized that it was my heart beating so fast. Amazingly, I wasn't really scared. I think it was a little bit of adrenaline and a whole lot of the holy spirit. At the hospital, the doctor's checked me out, gave me a tetanus shot and three stitches in the back of my head, watched me for a while and let me go home. Just over four hours after I had left home, I was back with some sore muscles, a slight headache, and a new appreciation for life.

I would like to say that all has been well since then, but the truth is, I went through months of pain and physical therapy for my back, neck and shoulders, and more recently, a pretty severe case of post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. It's amazing what your brain can do under extreme stress and how it affects your body. I thought I was dying, but it turns out it was just my brain telling me that and my body making me feel that way. After months of medical care, I am so very glad to say that I am doing much better. I still have moments and even days when I struggle with the anxiety, but compared to the worst days, those are easy.

The worst part now is that a couple of times a week, the boys talk about my accident as we drive past the scene. Yesterday, Josh said, "Mom, I'm glad you didn't die." All I could say, with tears in my eyes, was, "Me, too." And it's true. I thank God everyday for my life and a little while longer to raise my kids and love my husband. I thank him for healing my body and my mind. I thank him for bringing me closer to him through it all and for reminding me who's in control. And most of all, I thank him for being there with me that day one year ago, when, as my car rolled, I felt his presence and his arms around me.