Today

There are days in my life that are turning points. And when those dates come around each year, I think of those times and how my life has changed. September 16, the day I was baptized. July 11, the day I got married. October 10, May 18, June 2, the days I became a mom of one and two and three children. And of course, there are many others.

Today is one of those days. April 17 was the date of my car accident. Three years ago. It seems like a dream sometimes. Like it didn't really happen. Or like it was a scene in a book I read or movie I saw. Those few seconds of rolling over and over in a metal box. Those few seconds of wondering what was happening and what would happen the next moment. Those few seconds of praying like I've never prayed before. Those few seconds changed my life. That evening in the ambulance and hospital room and the painful days that followed were just the beginning. That event caused me to look at life in a whole different way. I've always felt that I have to learn things the hard way. And that day was the beginning of a long, painful journey to where I find myself today.

A lot of bad things happened because of those few short minutes in my life. Physical pain like I'd never felt before. Fear of cars and driving and loss. Long hours of physical therapy that left me physically and mentally drained. Months and months of severe anxiety and panic attacks and depression. Sadness, guilt, worry, doubt, pain inside and out. I wasn't getting better no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I cried. No matter how much I prayed. It was, in fact, getting worse. It finally got bad enough that I had to finally face it and fix it. So in January of 2007 I got help. And the good news is that I'm better. Not back to "normal." I'll never go back to who I was before. I've hurt too much. I've felt too much. I've thought too much.

But what I've very slowly learned is that this bad thing that happened has helped me grow. I've grown in my faith. I've grown in self awareness. I've most definitely grown in my compassion toward others. When before I'd think, "Why don't they just get over it? Why can't they just move on?" Now I understand. It's not that easy. It's a brain thing, not a heart thing. I've also learned a whole lot about post traumatic stress disorder and panic attacks and anxiety disorder. I have been able to use what I experienced and learned to help others. I can't count how many people have told me that they went through the same thing or who have come to me to share their own struggles. That has been a blessing for me and for others. It took a long time for me to see it that way. For a long time I couldn't get past "why me." But once I did, I could see the whole thing more clearly.

Other good things have come from this one bad one, too. I started this blog to distract myself from the panic attacks. (At least I think that's a good thing.) I pray more. And I pray for strangers more, especially if I see an accident or hear a siren. I am able to see what is really important in life. And that life is short. Too short to waste it.

I don't want to pretend that I've always been okay with what happened. I wasn't and still have days when I'm not. I've been angry. So angry. And I've had times when I haven't been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I was lost in a very long, dark tunnel for a long time. I did not get better on my own. I had help. A lot of help from above and some from here on earth.

So, am I glad it happened? Absolutely not. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. And absolutely. There is a reason. I've seen part of the reason already. And as hard as it was, and is, to deal with, I know that God has and will use what I have learned to help others. So, today, on this day, I will praise him. I will be thankful that I am here and healthy and whole. I will thank him for the bad and good that has happened since that day three years ago. I will willingly allow him to use me to help others. I will look at the sunshine and blue sky and the faces of my children and thank him, with my whole heart, that I am here to enjoy it.


P.S. If you are struggling with panic attacks or anxiety and need someone to talk to, I am here and would be happy to be able to talk to you and share what I have learned.