Tuesday, January 05, 2016

God Calls Me Jen

So, a few years ago I read Eat, Pray, Love. Mostly it made me want to travel. But I was also kind of fascinated by the whole meditation part. We are told to meditate in scripture, but I don't know many people who do it. I didn't. It seemed too new-agey for me. But I decided to try it. At that time I was so burdened by life. There were so many questions and so much waiting and so much on my shoulders and weighing me down inside and out. And I'd already learned the hard way to not ignore the stress, but to deal with it. And what better way than to slow down and meditate? So one morning after Arrty went to work and the kids were still asleep, I sat on my bed and closed my eyes and tried to block out all my thoughts of to do lists and human worries. I breathed and focused and breathed some more.

And suddenly I was standing in the presence of God! I was there before the Creator of the world but I couldn't run to him and throw my arms around His neck like I wanted to! Because my hands were full of stuff. Crazy stuff like cups and books and papers. And hanging on my arms were bags of more stuff. On my back were backpacks full of who knows what. There was even stuff tied to my legs and trailing behind me. I wanted to talk to Him, but I kept dropping all my stuff. And I was so worried about stopping and picking up and balancing all the stuff. I felt helpless. And embarrassed. And I didn't know what to do. So I looked up at Him and I didn't have to say a word. In an instant, He knew my heart and mind and soul. And He looked at me and said, "Jen, put it all down. Put all the stuff down. Just let everything go."

Then I opened my eyes. It felt like a really clear dream...but more than a dream. My heart was pounding and my eyes were wet with tears. I was a little shaken. It was so real. And true. After that I was able to put some of my stuff down. And my heart and soul were lighter. And even now, when I start to feel overwhelmed, I remember and am able to put the stuff down. Because He told me I needed to. And so I choose not to carry the things that weigh me down. And I am better for it.

Was it a dream? Was it more? I choose to believe the latter. And because of that, I am better. Which is what God does for anyone who chooses Him. He make us better.

I wrote this post in February of 2013, but never posted it. Now, almost 3 years later, I feel like a different person. I can let go so much easier. And I'm glad to say that so many of those burdens that I held that day are gone. He took them or I dropped them with His help. Either way, my walk is lighter. 

I remember this experience like it was yesterday. It really did change me, as strange as it might seem. I still often hear His voice telling me to "put it down" and see His face smiling His patient and kind smile. I have to admit that I haven't purposefully meditated since that day, but I do often imagine myself at the feet of God when I pray. And now, whenever I hear Him speak to me, He calls me Jen.