10 Things Thursday

10 things that were most definitely NOT invented by teachers.

1. Silky shoe laces. When a student walks in and excitedly shows me his new shoes, on the outside I tell him how cool they are, but on the inside I am evaluating the laces and calculating how many times per day I will have to tie them. It seems to me, after all these years of wearing shoes, humans should be able to invent a lace that will stay tied.

2. Double layered coats. Sure, they are warm and those layers might come in handy if you need to take them apart to have a lighter jacket. But from experience I can tell you that those layers do not work for little kids. The sleeves get all jimmy-jacked every time they take their coat off. Every. Single. Time. And fixing them is too complicated for little hands. So at this point, I am an expert on the sleeve adjustment process.

3. Gogurt wrappers. Gogurt itself is genius. Yogurt that you can suck out of a tube and don't need a spoon for?! Perfect! It's the wrappers that are the problem. The "tear here" message and slit is too small or too high or nonexistent on at least 75% of wrappers. That is why I have a pair of "gogurt scissors" on my desk.

4. Apple sauce cups, pudding cups, and fruit cups. Again, good idea in theory. But the little tab that is supposed to be there to lift and pull is usually too small for little fingers. And so you know what they do? They try to use their teeth. And then when that fails, they ask the teacher to open it. And she has to make a new rule that if it's been in a mouth she will not open it. Or she caves and does it anyways and gets kindergarten spit all over her hands and has to wash her hands one million times per day.

5. Scented markers. Not a good idea at all. First they smell them and have polka dotted noses. Then then taste them. They taste the markers, people!

6. Fancy pencils. There is always a fight about who gets the sparkly pencil or the one with kittens or the one with stars. Shoot, they even fight over the one with the gold metal band at the top instead of the silver metal band. It's true.

7. Fleece lined gloves. It takes about three recesses for the thumbs of lined gloves to become impossible to get a thumb into. The lining only matches up in the fingers for that long. Then they might as well be mittens.

8. Pizza lunchables. This is the messiest (and grossest) of the lunchable family. No teacher in her right mind would give a five year old a plastic packet of tomato sauce and a cup of grated cheese and expect anything less than floor to ceiling mess.

9. Plastic zippers. They stick. They break. They split. And then the kid is stuck in the jacket. Or has to figure out how to get in and out of it with it zipped. It can be done, but it's not easy.

10. Light up shoes. Because all a bunch of 5 year olds needs is another reason to jump and kick things. Light up shoes are toys. On feet. That the teacher can't confiscate and put in the "confiscated toy drawer." Thanks for that, shoe makers. Can't you use your powers for good...like inventing shoe laces that stay tied?!